It has come to my attention that I haven’t written anything self-deprecating in a long time – actually years now. In some jaded way, I’ve avoided these types of entries for so long for I’ve felt it provided too much ammunition for those who just wanted to poke fun at me.

I’ve also come to realize that when I reflect back on the self-deprecating entries, that these are the entries I do enjoy the most to read about myself. And it always enabled me to reflect back to a lighter period of the day when I could enjoy my life’s lessons. It reflected happiness, and this is what it’s all about.

But I digress.

A little bit after my last entry about aging and health problems, I felt a tinge in my bottom-side, and in the last week and a half, I haven’t felt more temporarily immobilized in quite a while. I’m just getting over it now – and I know for certain that in the future, I’ll need to refer back to this entry on how to handle this again… hemorrhoidal hell. (I know I spelled it right for I googled it enough in the last couple of weeks).

Years ago, back in the early nineties, I can recall was the first time I could remember having such a bout. I forgot how long it lasted then, but I think it was just a couple of days. I do remember buying a tube of Preparation H at the time, and read the instructions carefully. Painfully as it was to apply the medication, which included the attempt to insert the pointed end “inward”, I notably failed. Years later, I find that this same set of instructions are very much similar, but with the wonders and advances of the Internet and resources to self-diagnose medical symptoms, I can honestly state that this was just one out of two possible scenarios. And this “inward” scenario did not fit my own.

Sorry about TMI – but it doesn’t get any better after this point either.

For future reference, here is my remedy list:
1. Soak toilet paper with warm water (but the paper should still be durable)
2. Tucks Medicated Wipes
3. Preparation H cream (with “optional” pointer tube, which I would just discard)
and
4. Tylenol (I found out this was the miracle drug)

So, one morning after “doing my business,” I proceeded to clean up with step 1 above. This is where my misjudgment started to set in. I carefully proceeded with steps 2 and 3. As I slowly and cautiously stood, I reached around and satisfyingly performed the traditional flush. Unbeknownst to me, the toilet started backing up quickly, and yes, with everything floating about wildly like the tornado in Wizard of Oz. Alike an elder crippled ninja with razor sharp skills, I grabbed the plunger and fiercely plunged the toilet like the Roto-Rooter man on amphetamines. It miraculously worked and things smilingly flushed down with a whoosh.

After catching my breath, I did notice that in the process, I felt an awkward tinge in my mid-back (another sign of aging). Needless to say, things just didn’t seem like they were turning out very well this morning. After cleaning up, I decided to partake in step 4 above to aid my pulled back. I figured waddling wasn’t just enough – I didn’t want to be constantly hunched over too; all while gripping my portable seat cushion.

But, this was where the magic lays in the above concoction! Steps 1, 2, and 3 by themselves work wonders. And together with step 4 just spells hours of relief in both my bottom and my back – alike wash, rinse, and repeat for about a week and a half. Should be good as new! Oh yeah, and grab a portable seat cushion too!