1 Year Ago, Tonight… I Miss You Ba…
Life Record
I miss you. Tonight, well exactly one year ago, tonight, I went to bed with an uneasiness. I knew things weren’t right, nor would they ever turn to be. I tried calling you in the evening. I wondered if it would be the last time — I wondered if you were sleeping already, and I didn’t mean to disturb you, but I missed you so much. And I’m so sorry that I’m so far away. I always meant to be closer when we grew older. I tried calling, but it just kept ringing until I heard your comforting voice on the voicemail greeting. The one I helped you record when you got your first cell phone. You kept the recording all these years. Did I tell you I miss you? So much. Words. I’ve had an absence for. Feelings I’ve always held back for I’ve been so afraid to feel the emptiness. You always mentioned I could come talk to you about anything at anytime. But where do I go now?
Last year at this time, I woke up early at 2:30am to make an early flight — at precisely 3:01am, which would have made it 6:01am where you were, I received a missed call. I had to look up the number as I didn’t recognize it — it led to the nursing home where you were staying. I was fearful of the news. So afraid, I didn’t call the number back. I also knew they would call Ma or Sister, which later that day, I did hear the news.
I knew you were at peace now. I knew you didn’t hurt anymore. But I also know you weren’t ready to go. You were always so stubborn (smiley face). I know where i get it from.
Ba, it has been one year today. And I miss you so so much. I’m so afraid to cry. To let go. To let the emptiness come in. I’m not ready yet. I’m so sorry. I know it’s so selfish of me, for in some way, perhaps the belief is that if I do let go, I would just miss you too much.