1 Year Ago, Tonight… I Miss You Ba…

1 Year Ago, Tonight… I Miss You Ba…

Life Record

I miss you.  Tonight, well exactly one year ago, tonight, I went to bed with an uneasiness.  I knew things weren’t right, nor would they ever turn to be.  I tried calling you in the evening.  I wondered if it would be the last time — I wondered if you were sleeping already, and I didn’t mean to disturb you, but I missed you so much.  And I’m so sorry that I’m so far away.  I always meant to be closer when we grew older.  I tried calling, but it just kept ringing until I heard your comforting voice on the voicemail greeting.  The one I helped you record when you got your first cell phone.  You kept the recording all these years.  Did I tell you I miss you?  So much.  Words.  I’ve had an absence for.  Feelings I’ve always held back for I’ve been so afraid to feel the emptiness.  You always mentioned I could come talk to you about anything at anytime.  But where do I go now?

Last year at this time, I woke up early at 2:30am to make an early flight — at precisely 3:01am, which would have made it 6:01am where you were, I received a missed call.  I had to look up the number as I didn’t recognize it — it led to the nursing home where you were staying.  I was fearful of the news.  So afraid, I didn’t call the number back.  I also knew they would call Ma or Sister, which later that day, I did hear the news.

I knew you were at peace now.  I knew you didn’t hurt anymore.  But I also know you weren’t ready to go.  You were always so stubborn (smiley face).  I know where i get it from.

Ba, it has been one year today.  And I miss you so so much.  I’m so afraid to cry.  To let go.  To let the emptiness come in.  I’m not ready yet.  I’m so sorry.  I know it’s so selfish of me, for in some way, perhaps the belief is that if I do let go, I would just miss you too much.

Mar 2, 2021 1 Comment

Wrote “Welcome California” AFTER the EP

Life Record

I know. I know. I released an EP titled “Welcome California” and there’s actually no track on there called “Welcome California.” But it has been lingering on my mind and I knew it was just a matter of time before it surfaced. I wanted to release the EP however, the timing was so resemblant of what the new teacher would ask during the start of a new school year — it would sound something like, “what did you do during the pandemic?” Hence, the release date of the EP was January 1, 2021. But I know, sans the track “Welcome California”

Here’s a link to the EP itself on various streaming services:

Well, tonight, it finally surfaced and figured since I was feeling the vibe, turning on the webcam on the computer was very timely. So, here’s a really rough draft of what I have so far. I’m very open to suggestions.

“Welcome California”

v1:
Fall into Fall into you
Brush my fingers silhouette all night
Here just, feel, touch, hold, let’s breathe us 
Fall into Fall into you 

c1: 
Hey California can you kiss me
so high
Hey California can you be
so all night
All night

v2:
I’m into I’m into you
Glisten shine between the sheets tonight
We traveled so far, been there so hard, be there .. just me and you
We can trace our course for two

c2:
Welcome California can you kiss me
so high
Welcome California can you be
so  all night
Welcome California can you kiss me
so high
Welcome California can you be
so  all night

v3:
I’m into I’m into you
I’m into I’m into you

Feb 7, 2021 1 Comment
Album Dropped! Wo! 😘

Album Dropped! Wo! 😘

Life Record

Finally had some time to complete and publish a small collection of songs! If I learned anything in this past year, I learned that it’s important to just put something out there – to express oneself. It’s certainly not about fame and it’s certainly not about fortune, but as long as there’s the ability to place a “time capsule” of sorts out there publicly, in a mostly permanent fashion, then we should take advantage of this.

Alike finding old photographs in the attic — a sense of relatability and purpose can exist. The idea is that this body of work can be referenced one day — someone a few generations to come, or even maybe my own offspring, or even myself, can open this up and say, back in the day, this occurred.

So each of these songs has some meaning, more or less, to our personal lives and makes up our own historical makeup. The EP titled “Welcome California” is really a throw forward to where we reside today — in the Golden State. Ironically, however, “Welcome California” is still a song that resides in me that rears a melody and a lyrical line every now and then – it’s starting to sound like a cross between John Mayer and James Taylor-ish. Perhaps one day.

For the time being, click on the most appropriate link below and have a listen. Much appreciated! 🥰

Jan 11, 2021 No Comments
Happy Birthday Ba.. I Miss You

Happy Birthday Ba.. I Miss You

Life Record

The other day was your Birthday Ba. December 7th to be exact. I miss you. This was the first year I didn’t mail you a Birthday card for the longest that I can remember. I really miss that. I prayed of course. I lit up an incense and hope that you heard me. I mean, I think its starting to sink in. Sink in that every time something remarkable happens, I have this gut reaction to call you. Just to say, “Hey Ba, you’ll never guess what just happened…” But when I turn to call, I stop to pause… and then, that’s when I really realize, again. Again, I miss you. So much…

Sister tells me that you’ve never ever really liked your birthday, like it was a marker in the road that just reminded everyone that they were getting older. She prayed that you had a Happy Day, so I think that we’re good there. I totally get it though. I don’t like recognizing my Birthday either.. don’t get me wrong, I like the well wishes and the presents. But just the reminder that I’m getting older. Yeah, you’re right — no need for that stuff. lol! 🙂

You know I hear a lot of theories. About what happens in the Buddhist beliefs about the afterlife. A part of me, well, its just easier to believe that you’re currently moved on and happier. I do hope and pray that things are well.. even great, where you are. No more pain. No more worries…

I miss you here though.. lots. Well, Happy Birthday to you as you would’ve been 89.. I’m not far behind. Such as life. Love you. Miss you. And we’ll talk soon.. 🙂

Dec 9, 2020 No Comments
I Voted for Biden – Harris (It’s Personal. Very Personal)

I Voted for Biden – Harris (It’s Personal. Very Personal)

Life Record

Election activities were just completed and after a harrowing amount of days counting votes, Joe Biden is the new President-Elect and Kamala Harris is the new Vice President-Elect. I could not be happier. Historically, this election yielded the most votes ever and this was probably because so many people felt as strongly about this election too. For me, it was personal. Very very personal.

I have to say that it was not so much what Biden – Harris stood for, but who and what ideals they stood against. You see, Trump, and all his ideals, for the last four years as President of the United States, really took on the form as one who utilized divisiveness as a tool to gain momentum for his own ideals. What this means is that he valued pitting people against each other. And he did so in the most vicious manner — enabling prejudices among Americans. Against Muslim Americans. Against Hispanic Americans. Against Asian Americans. Against African Americans.. the list continues.

Now why should I care? And I do. Very much so.

Because I was born and raised in this country, in New York City, and I have horrific memories of experiences that I wish I never had of while my childhood, where I have been beaten, chased, yelled “CHINK!” on numerous occasions all because I am Asian. And not from other kids. This is the sad part – yes, from adults as well. I learned to shrug it off. My parents would tell me to ignore people who treated me like this. To cross the street when I saw the bad people coming. To stay quiet and they’ll go away. As I grew older, they did eventually did. The world started changing. America started evolving. Like a sickly disease, mass racial prejudices eventually eroded into a bad memory. Did it scar me deeply? Do I cringe and take things a bit too personally if someone jokes about my race? It most certainly does.

But I have to say, it does bother me when I see the President of the United States, someone who is supposed to be my president act in a similar victimizing manner towards others? When I see supporters of Trump also who wear Maga caps yell racial obscenities toward others? Where I notice Trump not denounce, but instead, enable these acts? I have to say that it brings up these bad memories of mine and yeah, it surely fucking does bother me. Very much so. I take it personally. Very personally. It makes my blood boil.

And what do I think of many others who continue to support Trump? I rationalize and need to believe that my friends who support him, do so for other beliefs. Maybe for tax reasons or other policy enablements – this is honorable and everyone is entitled to their own positive opinions. Maybe they don’t have racial prejudice scarring and truly just want another stimulus check. I totally get it. A big thumbs up for you. But if you stood for divisiveness and racial prejudices and utilized Trump as your vehicle to hold this right — then this is just wrong.

Yes, I grew up with a pretty good childhood, with some vicious scarring memories — and I do feel the need to protect my children and enable their world to be a bit more bright.

So congratulations to President-Elect Biden and Vice President-Elect Harris – I anxiously voted for you and so very happy that you won. Know that your presence is greatly welcomed, appreciated, and anticipated.

Let this be the first sign of a positive 2021… cause 2020 has been just too freaky.

Nov 8, 2020 No Comments

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