I miss you. Tonight, well exactly one year ago, tonight, I went to bed with an uneasiness. I knew things weren’t right, nor would they ever turn to be. I tried calling you in the evening. I wondered if it would be the last time — I wondered if you were sleeping already, and I didn’t mean to disturb you, but I missed you so much. And I’m so sorry that I’m so far away. I always meant to be closer when we grew older. I tried calling, but it just kept ringing until I heard your comforting voice on the voicemail greeting. The one I helped you record when you got your first cell phone. You kept the recording all these years. Did I tell you I miss you? So much. Words. I’ve had an absence for. Feelings I’ve always held back for I’ve been so afraid to feel the emptiness. You always mentioned I could come talk to you about anything at anytime. But where do I go now?
Last year at this time, I woke up early at 2:30am to make an early flight — at precisely 3:01am, which would have made it 6:01am where you were, I received a missed call. I had to look up the number as I didn’t recognize it — it led to the nursing home where you were staying. I was fearful of the news. So afraid, I didn’t call the number back. I also knew they would call Ma or Sister, which later that day, I did hear the news.
I knew you were at peace now. I knew you didn’t hurt anymore. But I also know you weren’t ready to go. You were always so stubborn (smiley face). I know where i get it from.
Ba, it has been one year today. And I miss you so so much. I’m so afraid to cry. To let go. To let the emptiness come in. I’m not ready yet. I’m so sorry. I know it’s so selfish of me, for in some way, perhaps the belief is that if I do let go, I would just miss you too much.
Finally had some time to complete and publish a small collection of songs! If I learned anything in this past year, I learned that it’s important to just put something out there – to express oneself. It’s certainly not about fame and it’s certainly not about fortune, but as long as there’s the ability to place a “time capsule” of sorts out there publicly, in a mostly permanent fashion, then we should take advantage of this.
Alike finding old photographs in the attic — a sense of relatability and purpose can exist. The idea is that this body of work can be referenced one day — someone a few generations to come, or even maybe my own offspring, or even myself, can open this up and say, back in the day, this occurred.
So each of these songs has some meaning, more or less, to our personal lives and makes up our own historical makeup. The EP titled “Welcome California” is really a throw forward to where we reside today — in the Golden State. Ironically, however, “Welcome California” is still a song that resides in me that rears a melody and a lyrical line every now and then – it’s starting to sound like a cross between John Mayer and James Taylor-ish. Perhaps one day.
For the time being, click on the most appropriate link below and have a listen. Much appreciated! 🥰
The other day was your Birthday Ba. December 7th to be exact. I miss you. This was the first year I didn’t mail you a Birthday card for the longest that I can remember. I really miss that. I prayed of course. I lit up an incense and hope that you heard me. I mean, I think its starting to sink in. Sink in that every time something remarkable happens, I have this gut reaction to call you. Just to say, “Hey Ba, you’ll never guess what just happened…” But when I turn to call, I stop to pause… and then, that’s when I really realize, again. Again, I miss you. So much…
Sister tells me that you’ve never ever really liked your birthday, like it was a marker in the road that just reminded everyone that they were getting older. She prayed that you had a Happy Day, so I think that we’re good there. I totally get it though. I don’t like recognizing my Birthday either.. don’t get me wrong, I like the well wishes and the presents. But just the reminder that I’m getting older. Yeah, you’re right — no need for that stuff. lol! 🙂
You know I hear a lot of theories. About what happens in the Buddhist beliefs about the afterlife. A part of me, well, its just easier to believe that you’re currently moved on and happier. I do hope and pray that things are well.. even great, where you are. No more pain. No more worries…
I miss you here though.. lots. Well, Happy Birthday to you as you would’ve been 89.. I’m not far behind. Such as life. Love you. Miss you. And we’ll talk soon.. 🙂
I finally finally finally.. yes, finally created a music website. Its really just a splash page, but its at least something — a presence on the Internet they say. Hey, if you ever get curious, click on over to peternknight.com.