Bloggish Day 4 – I don’t fit in and I disappear. I thought this was the old me, but it’s still the current me, I fear…

Earlier today, I was driving to the bagel shop mid-afternoon to pick up bagels and coffee for the family. Megan was with me and as usual, we started talking about how she was doing – with her school, her friends, whatever she wanted to discuss. As it turned out, not purposefully, but my mind was fried in knots thinking about my own affairs.

“…and your friends,” I continued, “You’re finding that you do need them, and you miss them, while we’re away from home for so long.”

“Yes,” she said.

“Are they’re mostly from the K-pop club at school?”


“What about your other friends?” I asked, “You’ve known them for a while now…”

“I still keep in touch,” she said, “Just not as often …But can I ask you something? It’s about being friends.”

“Of course,” I said, “Something going on?”

“…Not sure, sometimes, I don’t feel like I fit in… just sometimes. But I’m mostly an extrovert, but I still… don’t know if I belong… y’know, in some crowds. But I’m an extrovert, just like you. It’s easy for you to make friends…”

I interrupted, “I’m not an extrovert. I’m approachable. So, people talk to me. But I’m really an introvert who learned how to talk outwardly. Very different. Mommy says that when I’m quiet, I may appear a bit arrogant — especially when I don’t smile. But nothing is farther from the truth.”

It was quiet in the car for a moment. I had to think about what to share, but I was not prepared for what I stumbled upon.

“Megan, when I was your age, I’ve often felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t handsome. I was skinny. I was geeky. I was not good at anything. And I was extremely shy. I just felt like I was not good enough — I didn’t fit in. Sometimes, these feelings… well, they stick with you and as you grow older, things do change, but that inner core, it’s always there.”

She let it all sink in for a minute.

“Daddy?” Megan asked, “Do you still feel this way.. like you don’t fit in sometimes?”

“Like at work?” I asked, “From time to time, but we’re free to change jobs…”

“Well, work…,” she interrupted, “…and other places too?”

Pausing for a second, “I do Megan. You’re right.”

“What do you do Daddy?”

I answered, “…You have to think why you may feel this way. Is it because you’re not free to speak your mind, or maybe because of specific people, or maybe you feel like you may not be good enough, or… Whatever the reason may be, you then decide what you need to do. To help remedy this. Nine times out of ten, it may be something inside ourselves to adjust.”

“But if that doesn’t work?” she ultimately asked.

I stayed quiet, my mind tied in knots… as I thought to myself, “I had to leave… I disappeared.”

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