Fears

I’m a wimp; I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m scared of the dark, blood, sudden movement, little things like that. But I have two fears that stick out to me. They’re not scary per se, but they control me the most.

Fear #1: Saying hi

If you thought this was some super artistic metaphor for saying that I don’t like meeting new people…you’re wrong. When I say that I’m scared of saying hi, I mean I’m scared of saying hi. Like, if I see a person I know walking in the hall, I will actually stop and think whether or not I should say hi. It’s like those games where you have to choose an answer before the timer runs out. Except I can’t decide before the timer runs out and it always automatically chooses, “Don’t say hi.” It sounds weird, because it is, but I honestly don’t know why I have so much trouble saying hi, I just do.

The only times I say hi are:

• The person is facing me/they’re walking in my direction
• The person has said hi first

If these two circumstances aren’t met, then I most likely won’t say hi. If someone’s back is facing towards me, I’ll stare at them as I’m walking past them, maybe lift my hand and open my mouth, or maybe even make eye contact with them. But if they don’t say hi first, then I look forward and walk past. Even when people do say hi to me, I usually don’t open my mouth. Just a smile and a wave.

When it started, I always thought that other people were like this, too, but that idea was very quickly refuted when I was walking to my next class and I heard someone shouting my name from far away. They were saying hi to me. Why is it so easy for people to say hi from so far away when I can’t do it when a person is so close?

Fear #2: Forgetting people

This next sentence is going to sound really sad and maybe that’s because it is(?). I’m one of those people that everyone forgets. It used to bug me a lot. I would see a person that was one of my old schoolmates and watch them talk to my friends, because they seemed to remember them but never me. One time, I asked an old classmate if they remembered me. I even described the moments we talked: where we were, when it happened, what we were talking about. She didn’t remember me.

It doesn’t bother me anymore, but I was always scared that I would forget someone that I knew. To me, forgetting someone is silently telling them that no matter how much we talked, whatever our relationship was, their existence wasn’t important enough for me to keep in my long-term memory. It’s quite dramatic, but it’s enough to scare me into trying my best to not forget anyone. I like to think that I haven’t forgotten anyone. Sometimes I’ll see someone and mentally recall where I saw them, what we talked about, and when it was. Sometimes, that person and I have never talked and I just remember their face and name. But I wonder if I’ve ever forgotten anyone. If I have, I would like to see them again and have them tell me how we know each other so that I can remember again.

But recently, something happened. It’s what made me realize that these two things scare me. At school, we have a leadership group made of students. One day, they sent out nice notes to a few people with a lollipop attached. Some leadership students came into our classroom, dumped them on the table and left. I kept working because I assumed that I hadn’t received one, when one of my classmates said, “Hey, Megan! Can I have your lollipop?” Turns out, someone wrote to me after all. I read it and I remember that my heart began to beat faster than normal, my eyes widened, and it was hard to breathe.

The note read:

“Dear Megan,

I don’t know if you remember me from last year but I know that you love K-pop. Be happy and smile. Have a great day. – FPT”

FPT are the initials for the leadership team, meaning that the note was good as anonymous. I remember panicking. Not a full panic attack or anything, but enough to effectively distract me from my classwork. What if I really had forgotten this person? I forgot them and they remembered me to the point where they knew my interests. I’m a horrible person. I told my friend about my worries and they just furrowed their brows and said, “That doesn’t really matter. It was just a compliment, you shouldn’t over think it.”

Haha, I wouldn’t be Megan if I didn’t over think things.

I eventually found out who wrote the note. She was an old friend of a friend. We were barely acquaintances, but I still remember her. It doesn’t really matter anymore, though. She thought I forgot her because I was too scared to lift up my hand or open my mouth to say hi when I saw her.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so selfish.

-Megan Knight

PS: In this blog entry, I might come off bit…social dysfunctional. I just wanted to clarify that my social skills are fine. I’m just a bit awkward and I’ve become a bit more closed off, especially in the past year. But none to worry, I have friends and I know how to socialize. I’d just rather not sometimes 🙂