7.31.2003 Weird mood lately

Haven't been in the greatest mood lately. Nothing really major is going on, but then again, I guess there really is. I finally came to acceptance the other night that I may be under a lot of stress. I swore the alarm clock had gone off twice already before I finally shut the damn thing off and headed to the bathroom. I was just so groggy, I couldn't quite stand straight. Finally, I finished with the shower, which turned out to be somewhat of a chore and reached for a towel. Glancing over to the clock atop the sink counter, it read to be only 2:15AM. The alarm clock was supposed to go off at the usual time at 7:20, not 2:15.

I rushed out of the bathroom, and while passing by the window, I noticed it was still dark outside. I gleefully jumped back into bed, wet hair and all.

Odd.

Anyhow, I've been thinking a lot lately, again, about what I want to be when I grow up. I know I've been through so many phases, career-wise, but it all has been something of a permanance until I either get too sick of it, or I just get my ass kicked out. One way or another, change happened. I see my career as coming to an end somewhat. The industry is changing and I have to change with it, but that picture itself is sort of fuzzy. So, I figure I'll give myself five years max before one of two things happen, I retire poor, or I'll find it so tough to find any work that it just wouldn't be worth it. Needless to say, something has to give pretty soon and maybe it's just the factor of finding a niche to fall into.

Likewise with the odd feeling of oncoming change, I have felt this way before, sort of when I decided to make the leap into consulting rather than stay as a comfy employee in one place. The other time I felt this way was when I was graduating college and about to join the workforce. And ironically, both times, my perceptions of the world were vastly different. Earlier in my life, I was pretty much a Liberal and stood for anything that was non-profit and *good* for humanity. Oh, and anything that was profit oriented was considered part of the *Evil Empire* and filled with selfish greedy people.

Well, later in life, I became one of these selfish greedy people, and found that it's not evil. And actually there's good and evil in everything. And there's really no direct correlation between businesses being evil, and non-profit greenpeace-like organizations to be saints. This formula just worked wonders for television programs and movies; especially romantic comedies. I really don't see anything wrong these days with someone working really hard and becoming successful and earning their share in the world's fortune. I guess it depends on *how* one does it - whatever.

I remember playing truth or dare one night while in my junior year of college. It was after rehearsal. A group of us formed a rock band that lasted about two months. We sucked, but were good enough to place third in a talent contest. A friend of mine asked me if I would ever work for a company who built war missles. His hunch was that I would. I answered that I would not. A few years later after we graduated, I worked at a company who's major line of business was to manufacture copiers, whereas he went and worked for a US Defense contracting firm.

Now that's irony.